Whoot

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and support. I so need to vent sometimes and it seems to flow better when I type, so thank you for bearing with me!
I am feeling better, maybe because it is sunny out today or maybe it is because I painted last night. No, I think it is a combination.
As much as I have really enjoyed this fall it still affected my mood. We just don't get out as much when it is soggy and windy and that seems to be the stage of fall we have entered. The summer like warm days with the crisp leaves have gone and now is the stage I think I have never liked. Smelly, rotten, soggy leaves, tons of moths and frost bitten everything.
Today is sunny though so I shall venture out with the kiddos and maybe find some geese to feed at the park or something.
All I know is that I am not feeling kerfuddled today. Oh, I think that getting the house cleaned up so I could paint guilt free was a huge part.
Now off to paint a project with the tots.

Later gator!

I think I am making progress...

I don't know where I am going with this post, expect a long windy one. It is a -get it sorted out of my head-venty one.

So I am still having this dilemma. Though I think I am making some headway into figuring it out. I am feeling the need to buck the main stream. I have never considered myself mainstream, yet somehow I feel as though I have been lost in it. From the way I live and what I wear to what I have in my house. I seem to have this desire to please others and try to pick things things that I think others would like, not what I like. It is what Dave likes though, and I like to make him happy.

Therefore we have a mainstream house. All matchy, not that it is not nice, there just aren't a lot of unique pieces. I don't want to be cookie cutter. It is cozy though and I like that feel.
I am glad that I don't live in a new area of town with cookie cutter box houses like we used to in St. Albert AB.

Not that I don't miss it, nice big garage off the front of the house, big driveway, quiet crescent, nice neighbors. And we did have an open concept, vaulted ceilings house, maybe that is why I liked it. But I don't want it again. It was nice and new feeling, but lacked that lived in cozy warm character feeling. No big trees in the yard, no history in the walls or mouldings, no squeaky floor boards, or drafty windows, actually now that I really think of it, it did have some squeaks.
OK, now why do I like this old character home I am in now?
Good question!

There are bugs, old funny smells and drafts and leaks. But somehow it feels more loved and homey, maybe it is the wood burning fireplace. However, I am still in this crisis.
Do you ever watch worlds most extreme homes (click here) on HGTV?
I want to live in a weird home....I think. Well, so far anyway, on this road to rediscovery I think that is what I want.

Now you wonder about my poor husband and how does he fit into all this? He is perfectly fine with cookie cutter, really likes it actually. And all our normal stuff in the house, he loves, that is why we got it! He could actually do with a lot less of it.
He would really like to move to a house with a garage again and last night brought up the discussion.
He said "Anna, is this our 15 year house?"

Now that I think of it, it could be but with the tiny yard and no garage, I know it really isn't. I love the area though and it's proximity to the park and the character and trees. I hope we can find another house in the area. Maybe a 1950's contemporary, though Dave hates hates the flat roofs. We'll find the compromise, I hope.

But....then there is also this.
I read an article in the paper by Lynda Reeves this weekend. I really don't like her show, but she does have these moments where I get her. This weekends article hit home. She was writing about being a designer and the Canadian misconception that bigger is always better. She used to think that way too, till she was in an argument with a former mate and he said he was happy with their smaller space. She then opened a fortune cookie that read "A small house can hold just as much happiness as a big one."

I realize it is what you do with the space that you have and how functional you make it.
So the issue is not finding a bigger house but the most functional one. This house we are in is very functional for me. There are a few changes I would like to make to make it more functional, but I really cannot complain. For Dave it is lacking. No garage. This is a big issue for a guy who loved to putz in his domain and now has a shed. With his big ladder rack on his truck and all his work equipment and a snowy winter approaching I totally understand his desire for an indoor space for all his stuff.

I guess a move is required.
I hate moving.

So I want to focus on working on this space till we find the perfect house.
I am hoping that finding the perfect house will solve my issues in this crisis, but I wont hold out hope because just the looking process stresses me out to no end.
I just want the perfect place plopped down in front of me.

Kerfuddled in my head

I don't really know where or how to start this. I really wanted to think it through before I wrote, but I think that this is how I will hash it out.
I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Like I have somehow lost who I am or am in a crossroad and don't know which way to go...or maybe it is that I have too much swirling in my head and not enough time to get my creative release.
Maybe I need to go on a painting spree, it has been a while.
Maybe I need a new wild hair style with crazy colors again, though every time I do that it gets old fast.
Maybe we need to buy an acreage so I can roam free and have inspiration at every turn.
Maybe I just need to get out for a drink with a friend once in a while.
Maybe I need a new wardrobe, though with my sense of style right now I would probably end up looking like a fashion smash up.
Maybe I need o take ti-chi.
Maybe we need to settle into a church.
Maybe I need a tattoo.
Maybe I need a cool retro chair.
Maybe I need to paint the house or just get a new one.
MAybe it is this house that is making me all jittery.
Maybe if I get to the bottom of my never ending pile of Mt. Washmore I will find the answer.
Yes that is three masive piles, at least 8 more loads to go!

Somehow I am feeling a little squirly, like I need a vacation. No more dishes, no making the bed, sweeping, mopping or swishing toilets, and no more laundry. Laying on a beach with an easel and paint brush sounds really good right now.
Tonight I am really feeling this antsyness so I thought painting might help and dragged out 5 canvases to prep for a few of the painting's kicking around in my head. I was too antsy to even get finished one.
What is up with me?!
Is it being a mom and at home all day every day with my kids?
Maybe I just don't have the support system I think I need. Dave is great, and he is my best friend, but seeing an old friend when we were back in Edmonton over the weekend made me realize how much I miss having a group of friends around me who really get me and can tell me to shut up and put me in my place when I step out of line, and who I can do the same with.

Maybe it is just PMS.
I feel sorry for those around me when I go through this. I am afraid I am a little short and more self centered, not that I try to be, I am just trying to sort things out in my head so I am a little quieter that's all.
Then I had a moment this evening as I was chopping potatoes for supper. One of those defining moments, the ones that kinda smack you in the face.
As I was chopping I looked over at the kids. Kaitlyn in the jumperoo bouncing away, chattering to herself and Ethan in the jolly jumper trying to communicate with her as best he could.
I started to cry.
This is what I always wanted. To be a wife and mother, caring for and nurturing my family. I felt at peace, I know I am where I need to be at this moment. I laughed and started to chatter and sing to the kids who instantly chattered back happily.
I love being a mom. It is the greatest responsibility and yet satisfying thing I have ever done. I wouldn't give it up for the world, I love my little munchkins more than I can ever put to words, motherhood is amazing.
However maybe it is that I feel like somehow I have been lost in it, like it is what defines me......how can this be a problem when it is what I always wanted?
I do not feel like I am getting any of the things done I want to do for myself.
Minor renos, scrapbooking, sewing, reupholstering, gardening, painting, reading, working out....just a few things I don't put much time into and that I used to enjoy as creative releases.
Not that I am not doing any of these thing.
Blogging has become my scrapbooking for now.
I sew the odd item such as pillows for Kaitlyn's dolls.
I paint walls and occasionally a canvas.
Reading, now that is a luxury. I read the odd parenting chapter in a book, or magazine or website. No fun stuff.
Gardening this year consisted of an herb pot. tonight for supper we had store bought frozen green beans for the first time in 3 years. Gross! No comparison to our old garden beans.
Over the last few days Kaitlyn and I have been painting a map for her and Ethan's cars. That sums up my creative releases, they are family focused, like I always dreamed.

I don't get me right now! Why this squirly feeling? I got 4 loads of laundry done, and thought that would help. Nope.
Is this normal?
Am I just being self centered and need a kick in the butt or do other moms go through this, and if they do how do they get past it or deal with it?

Excuses

So, I know it has been a while. Guess I have been busy. Well sorta, I have really been avoiding this blog. It has become a bit of an accountability spot for me and I have not been doing so great. The whole flylady thing did not work out for me. Sure I think it is a great idea, if you get more than 2 hours of sleep and have older kids. With the nights I have had over the last few weeks and the mornings to follow I have been a walking zombie and the house has fallen apart.
I wish my kids would sleep!!!!

Even just a good nap, together, would help me through the day.
Since we got back from Edmonton they have been a little better but last week did me in. I needed a break and going away for a bit of a holiday was good.

I know it didn't help that the kids and Dave got Impetigo and had to be on meds. I have still to catch up with all the laundry left in the impetigo wake. Everything must be washed, sheets and clothes and blankets and towels, any thing that may have been touched with the infected area.

My laundry pile before we left was 9 feet long and 3 feet high. I am less than half way through and have yet to add everything from our trip to it. I know I could just go to a laundromat and get it all done at once, but that would require an insane amount of effort to pack it all up and haul it all down and then entertain the kids at the same time...ya, it is out of the question!

I need a fairy laundry lady to come and spend a few days around the clock to catch up. Oh it is not the in and out of the wash or the sorting in to lights, mediums or darks that gets me down, it is all the folding and putting away.

So........On our way home from Edmonton Dave and I discussed options.

One would be to hire help in the form of a cleaning team, the other option would be to have someone watch the kids so I can get stuff done.

I like option # 2 better since I like to have things done my way and having the break from the kids is good for my brain, well what is left of it.

It seems that with the minimal amounts of sleep that I have been getting (max one 2 hr stretch every night) that I am burning a lot of cells and I fear that they are not regenerating, I sure am not feeling very smart lately! There seems to come a point where you just crash, emotionally, physically and mentally.

Maybe this is why I have felt like I am having an identity crisis.
Now that is another post all together! When I have time (ha, ha) and feel like I have figured that one out I'll write about it.