Remember that play date that we went on earlier this week, the one I said was interesting? Well I have been trying to work it out in my mind because I don' t want to be too negative and was worried if this person ever read my blog that I would offend her. I hope she doesn't. I won't tell her I have one. I will wing it and be honest, so it will just come out as it does.
This all started a few weeks ago when I saw a girl with two small children walking in our area. She looked young and her kids looked to be similar in age to mine. It is not often that I see kids as close as mine and I have never met some one with two similar in age to mine. So after seeing this girl out walking and thinking I should stop and say 'hi' a few times I finally decided to.
From the experiences I have had over the last few years when I put myself out there and meet new people it has gone really well and I have developed new friendships.
So I pulled into the parking lot and introduced myself. She seemed nice and we chatted for a few minutes. She had also recently moved here from AB and knows no one. We exchanged phone numbers and arranged for a play date at her house for the following day.
She has no drivers licence so she has to walk everywhere, thus the reason for the date at her place. I thought this was strange but hey, some people don't drive, right?
The following day I received 3 calls to make sure I was still coming and at what time and to warn me that her two year old can be violent, yadda, yadda. OK, I figured she must be pretty lonely to call so much, within a 2 hour window. I was getting a little freaked about the violent part and was concocting ways to get out or rescue my children if it came to that, but off we went.
I had such high hopes for a new friend, regular play dates and someone like me close by to hang out with. Why do I build things up in my mind so much, it is like I destine myself for a fall.
As we entered her house we where nearly smothered in smoke. She smokes in her home all day to the point where the windows are hazy and there is that waffling trail swirling endlessly in the corners near the ceiling, and there are these two beautiful little girls living in this!
Now I don't care if someones smokes, it is totally your choice, but to to it around kids and keep them in a house like that is just wrong! Makes me sick, actually I did feel sick, I just wanted to turn and run, but thought we could maybe manage a few minutes and just spend the rest of the day outside airing our lungs out.
The date did not go well. Her kids were cute, no violence, quiet and did I say cute? They were super cute! However my kids sat on my lap the whole time and just stared at the mom. She was so loud and obnoxious, very opinionated and stubborn, hates everybody in her life who tries to help her or give advice -- except her husband, who is 35 (she is 21) and he still live in AB and comes to see her and the kids every 12 days.
They moved out here for him to start a new job and it didn't pan out so he left them here and went back. I asked if he was looking for work here but she said that was the weird part, he was looking everywhere but here. Odd. She said they are super in love. This is strange.
Turns out the house is a rental and they have no furniture, playpens for the kids as beds and a daybed is the only living room furniture. Now I know some people are poor and just can't afford much but sometimes it is just a matter of priorities. She said he makes tons of money and if he does have the job she says he does then he certainly should be bring home serious cash. So I asked if they planned on buying a house since I know the market is still getting hotter and rent is pretty high.
She said, "well he did own a few houses but gave then to ex-girlfriends, I am his wife, you would think I would get one, whatever!"
Oh, boy, what kind of a mess is this! And it gets worse, she only has a grade 9 education, so if he does for some reason really split on her she won't even be able to support her kids. I wanted to cry. My heart was breaking, I wanted to rescue her. There is far more to her story that makes it sad, sad, sad. Her childhood and raising contribute a lot to who she is now and I really fear for her little family.
How do you help someone in a situation like this? I could go on and on about if, there is just so much that is wrong with it. But I think I probably already said too much.
Dave told me I should run the other direction and not look back because she will drain me. I agree with him ,but I also feel that I met her for a reason. My heart really hurts!
I will stick to going to the mall or park for walk dates and not have her over, she seems pretty shady, sad to say.
How do you help someone who won't listen?
Seriously any advice, bring it on!!!
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10 comments:
Ok. WOW.
I think having play dates at the park are a great idea. It will allow the kids to play together in a healthy environment. Plus it will allow you to be with her and figure out why you feel drawn to help her.
That is a tough situation. I agree with comfortablycrazy - it's better to be in neutral territory, not in all that smoke (I would have gagged too!). Maybe community centre, park etc. She is young to have the kids and her husband only around a few days at a time - no wonder she's bitter, likely overwhelmed and feeling deserted.
It is very sad, though, especially for her kids. I understand your feelings of wanting to help her; maybe if you get to know her better you may know how to; but I also understand why you've got a bit of a guard up.
I hope it was just a bad day for her, maybe you were the first person in a long time that she felt she could unload to.
I agree with both of you, thank you!
before i read what dave said i was thinking RUN! RUN!
those poor babies.
I agree, meet outside the homes, maybe. A library storytime perhaps and keep some distance so if it gets too weird (if possible) you don't have any strings attached. Good luck!http://momof4girls.blogspot.com/
You sound like you're on the right track with arranging playdates anywhere other than your homes. And I would put my foot down about the smoking in front of your own kids first off. But there's no reason you can't be a good role model for her, and for her kids.
Good luck!
Situations like that just make me want to cry....I was chatting with a friend who works for Children's Aid, and I don't know how he does what he does. Are there any services in your area you could help her find to build up more of a support circle for herself? I think that even having you to talk to is a start for her, and seeing how you are with your kids will help too...
That is a hard call to make -some people can be draining, but some, may just need a helping hand. Park playdates seem like the ideal.
My best advice comes from someone other than myself... Jesus. Whenever I have faced situations like these, and I have... I ask myself "What would Jesus do?" Remember He talked about being gracious to "the LEAST of these" for His name? You do not want to be drained, or have your kids in a bad environment, but I know from experience that YOU DID meet her for a reason, you just have to find that reason. She could see hope, Jesus, in you - and maybe only you! Set your boundaries in love, and remember Jesus spent time with the adultress. He will give you wisdom to do what you have to. You're on the right track. Show her the hope that is in you through action. Someone once said, the situations that break your heart are the ones God is calling you to do something about. God Bless your loving heart!
I would definately stick to the out of house playdates and take hubby's advise, there is NOTHING you can do for someone who doesn't want help.
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