Thursday, October 11, 2007

Kerfuddled in my head

I don't really know where or how to start this. I really wanted to think it through before I wrote, but I think that this is how I will hash it out.
I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Like I have somehow lost who I am or am in a crossroad and don't know which way to go...or maybe it is that I have too much swirling in my head and not enough time to get my creative release.
Maybe I need to go on a painting spree, it has been a while.
Maybe I need a new wild hair style with crazy colors again, though every time I do that it gets old fast.
Maybe we need to buy an acreage so I can roam free and have inspiration at every turn.
Maybe I just need to get out for a drink with a friend once in a while.
Maybe I need a new wardrobe, though with my sense of style right now I would probably end up looking like a fashion smash up.
Maybe I need o take ti-chi.
Maybe we need to settle into a church.
Maybe I need a tattoo.
Maybe I need a cool retro chair.
Maybe I need to paint the house or just get a new one.
MAybe it is this house that is making me all jittery.
Maybe if I get to the bottom of my never ending pile of Mt. Washmore I will find the answer.
Yes that is three masive piles, at least 8 more loads to go!

Somehow I am feeling a little squirly, like I need a vacation. No more dishes, no making the bed, sweeping, mopping or swishing toilets, and no more laundry. Laying on a beach with an easel and paint brush sounds really good right now.
Tonight I am really feeling this antsyness so I thought painting might help and dragged out 5 canvases to prep for a few of the painting's kicking around in my head. I was too antsy to even get finished one.
What is up with me?!
Is it being a mom and at home all day every day with my kids?
Maybe I just don't have the support system I think I need. Dave is great, and he is my best friend, but seeing an old friend when we were back in Edmonton over the weekend made me realize how much I miss having a group of friends around me who really get me and can tell me to shut up and put me in my place when I step out of line, and who I can do the same with.

Maybe it is just PMS.
I feel sorry for those around me when I go through this. I am afraid I am a little short and more self centered, not that I try to be, I am just trying to sort things out in my head so I am a little quieter that's all.
Then I had a moment this evening as I was chopping potatoes for supper. One of those defining moments, the ones that kinda smack you in the face.
As I was chopping I looked over at the kids. Kaitlyn in the jumperoo bouncing away, chattering to herself and Ethan in the jolly jumper trying to communicate with her as best he could.
I started to cry.
This is what I always wanted. To be a wife and mother, caring for and nurturing my family. I felt at peace, I know I am where I need to be at this moment. I laughed and started to chatter and sing to the kids who instantly chattered back happily.
I love being a mom. It is the greatest responsibility and yet satisfying thing I have ever done. I wouldn't give it up for the world, I love my little munchkins more than I can ever put to words, motherhood is amazing.
However maybe it is that I feel like somehow I have been lost in it, like it is what defines can this be a problem when it is what I always wanted?
I do not feel like I am getting any of the things done I want to do for myself.
Minor renos, scrapbooking, sewing, reupholstering, gardening, painting, reading, working out....just a few things I don't put much time into and that I used to enjoy as creative releases.
Not that I am not doing any of these thing.
Blogging has become my scrapbooking for now.
I sew the odd item such as pillows for Kaitlyn's dolls.
I paint walls and occasionally a canvas.
Reading, now that is a luxury. I read the odd parenting chapter in a book, or magazine or website. No fun stuff.
Gardening this year consisted of an herb pot. tonight for supper we had store bought frozen green beans for the first time in 3 years. Gross! No comparison to our old garden beans.
Over the last few days Kaitlyn and I have been painting a map for her and Ethan's cars. That sums up my creative releases, they are family focused, like I always dreamed.

I don't get me right now! Why this squirly feeling? I got 4 loads of laundry done, and thought that would help. Nope.
Is this normal?
Am I just being self centered and need a kick in the butt or do other moms go through this, and if they do how do they get past it or deal with it?


JeniBeans said...

You're doing great. Just a little at a time ... it's still an accomplishment! And being with your kids, spending that quality time with them and getting and giving love is more important than the laundry any day.

I'd like to see some more of your paintings too. You got any new stuff in the works? Or still just prepping?

Mary said...

I think I kind of know how you feel. Sometimes you just miss the freedom you used to have. I do that sometimes, too. I start thinking about all the fun times I used to have with the young people and how now I'm tied down with kids and never get to have much fun. But, then like you said I see my kids playing together or doing something cute and it warms my heart. I'd never want to go back and not be a mom. It's what I've always wanted to be. Someday I'll have my "freedom" again and I'll be missing my babys!

BeachMama said...

We all go through this once in a while. It is sometimes hard to remember that being a Mom is a full time job. And because your two are close together, I would think it would be a little more difficult. You didn't have time to stop and rest before adding another one to the mix.

You will figure it out. Maybe a day at a spa would help? Maybe signing up for a one day class would help? Or just having Dave take the kids out so you can get caught up at home. I usually call my Mom when I feel like that and she gets me out of it.

Decorum Interiors said...

OR maybe you need to live closer so we can freak out together and/or watch each other's kids while the other goes and has an artsy day. Deja vu of a recent post of mine... My dear, I envy your instinct to nurture and your strong desire to be a mother. You can't be anything but incredible when you have that kind of drive in you. I'm so impressed with all of the things you manage to do in your busy day with not a lot of sleep (which, from experience, greatly contributes to feelings of frustration and unfulfillment). You amaze me every time I read your posts. I'm lucky if I get to two loads of laundry in the same week without Nate getting impatient and doing it himself...
Hand in there. You're brilliant!

prettyinpink said...

I am sorry you are feeling out of sync lately Anna. It sounds to me like you are searching for some balance in your life, as it is always mommy, mommy, mommy time. You need some Anna time too! Try and schedule in some YOU time for a few weeks and see how it makes you feel!

MJ said...

Being a stay-at-home mom is tough, especially when our society places so much emphasis on the workforce. I frequently get the comment, "Why aren't you out working?", a comment my mother would never have received.

Sometimes I remind myself that I am almost 100% different now than I was before K and N were born. Everything is different; this isn't something that men necessarily experience. Adjusting to that difference can be hard and I suspect most moms, especially those who worked in the workforce before mothering, have experienced this.

Momma TaderDoodles said...

Well, you visited my blog and I followed, and I'm so glad I did. I know this post is old, but it really hit home for me (I almost cried). I soooo know this feeling. And what's really bad is other people are reminding me that I am lost in my mommyness... My mom fusses that she gets me all these craft supplies and yet I never scrapbook. I have a sewing machine and a serger and I have sewn in over a year. Hubby bought me oil paints, canvases and an easel for Valentines day one year because he knew I always wanted to learn how to paint, or at least play around with it. I haven't painted in probably two years. It's just too much to take out and clean up and put away with two (soon to be three) little ones under me. When we married, we stayed out here in the country where his family is. His family who doesn't understand me. They love me, but they don't "get" this city girl. They don't get my humor. They don't understand why certain things are important to me. I am so out of place here, with few friends, only one "good" friend (when her hubby isn't mad at me), and none of my family. There is no such thing as having coffee with a girlfriend, much less lunch or a drink. It just doesn't happen. I own the entire Stephen King collection, but stopped reading from it when Sam was born, six years ago.
I love my kids, I love my family, and I love my life. It is what I wanted, what I prayed for. But I agree, sometimes you just feel lost in it, stuck somewhere, wanting just for a moment to be all those other things you are inside.

I might feel more motivated to do "my" stuff, my crafting, painting etc. if the people around me appreciated it or even noticed it. But why bother. I only get reminded about how my house looks or that dinner isn't ready. I must spend my time on the stuff that matters to others. I guess I'll be more me when they're older.